Hey there everyone I hope you are all doing really well and staying healthy! Today is a little bit different and I would like to post about yesterday! As you know if you have been keeping up with my blog or my instagram I am a member of the loss mamas tribe! I proclaim that proudly because even though this is not a tribe I wanted to be apart of it is still part of my life and I have chosen to own it as part of me and my story. I will say that it is one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. My story may not be a happy one but I really want to tell my story and show that it is more common then people think and I want to make it a more of a common conversation for everyone.
If you are not new here then you have read this story before but not in detail and if you are new here then this is a long story short about the way that we lost our baby boy. We found out we were pregnant in 2017 and since the beginning of the pregnancy we had problems of spotting from SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) and uterine fibroids. Early on my doctor had no faith that I was going to make it to the end and he told me that I was going to lose my son. (Which now I look back on and am so offended and heartbroken that he said that to me in the first place.) Then around week 6 I was having to go in every other week to keep an eye on baby boy and the fibroids which were growing and hadn't done that before pregnancy. There was little communication with things that I could do to save our little guy and all they did tell me was that I was to be put on bed rest which happened at week 14. I went back to the hospital at 16 weeks and they said the SCH was still there and that I looked like I was further along then I actually was because of the fibroids. Just as I entered my 17th week of pregnancy I started to have pains and really started to feel lots of pressure in my abdomen I called my husband at work and he left after I called him and after I called him I called the nurse in the maternity ward who told me to come in as quickly as possible to the ER. We got the ER and the nurse who attended me was not very nice he was very rough with me and then called the on doctor from the maternity ward and she on the other hand was very gentle and kind to me and kept me calm and did confirm that I had gone into labor.
The doctor that saw me called my doctor who told her to move me up to the maternity ward and put me in a delivery room. I was going to give birth to our baby boy and we were both heartbroken. We were moved to a delivery room and just waited for my doctor to get there when I was in the room the nurses for the most part were very kind but one was a bit rude and I asked to have her not come back in to my room since I was going through something very rough already. (I don't put up with rudeness just cause you are having a bad day! I am having the worst day of my life and I not being an A**hole to you so there is no excuse! Advocate for yourselves that is huge!) At around 12 pm my doctor came in and told me that he wanted to see if my body would stop the labor or if it would keep going and I went through all the motions of labor and giving birth. I got an epidural and at 9:30 I had to push and my doctor popped my bag and our baby boy came out and I started to black out. When I delivered I started to black out and I heard my heart monitor start beeping really fast and that was due to the fact that my placenta was stuck and not coming out and was making my blood pressure go up and I had already lost lots of blood as well. My doctor had to jump on getting the placenta out by basically punching my stomach a bit and left me bruised from that but I could deal with that because according to my doctor I nearly died on the delivery table. He did what he had to save my life and for that I am grateful because if not then my husband would have lost both his baby and his wife in the same moment.
After my doctor got me stabilized and I was able to coherently answer questions the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold my son and at that moment I didn't want to and the good thing about my doctor was that he did say to all the nurses leave her alone for a moment and let her collect her thoughts before you start asking her questions about all that. They set up a box for me that was very sweet thing for them to do. After I realized what was going on I started to sob uncontrollably and say loudly to my mother and father, who were with us in the room through everything (except when I gave birth my father left for that part), I started to say through my sobbing, "my baby! My baby is gone! I lost my baby!" I remember hearing myself say all that and thinking that cannot be coming from me but I knew in my heart it was. After a while of sobbing the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold my son and I said yes that time immediately and his little body was brought in. I looked at him and remember thinking I knew he was going to be a boy and saying to myself that I was right. I remember that my husband said he knew he was right and we were having a boy. My husband and I cried while we took turns holding our little one and it was very sweet that the head nurse in my room took pictures of us so we could have those beautiful precious memories. My mother held our little one and she said he was the sweetest baby she had ever seen and that they would love him for the rest of time, so did my in laws even though they only got to see us after he was taken away.
After being able to hold him for a little while the nurse took him from us and they asked us if we wanted to have the responsibility of burying him or if we wanted to turn over the responsibility of to the hospital. Now at the time I had just lost my grandfather and was still healing for that and my father had just lost his father so it was already hard on us and the best choice for us at the time was turning over responsibility to the hospital which is what we did and that was the right choice for us at the time because I was not okay and I was angry and broken and couldn't think of what was supposed to come next. After that we were moved out of the maternity ward out of consideration for our grieving process is what they said and put us on the other side of the hospital so I could recover and be monitored as a precaution. When I was moved to recovery a lot of tests were run on my blood levels and everything and the doctor set up for me to have pain and sleeping medication. He also ordered a blood transfusion because I had become anemic and I had to have a full bag for that and wait then have a second and after the second my anemia was at the right level now.
Our family and friends called and came to visit and my husband and I did not really want to many in person visits so we just answered our phones and just needed to be alone for the week that I was in recovery. My doctor came in the second day that I was in there and checked me and asked how I was doing and prescribed me more sleeping medicine which is something that I needed since I wasn't able to sleep very much and was having a reaction to the blood transfusion since it was too strong for me just like that and I needed a filter for it. I kept getting checked and the nurses that were coming in were all very kind and just did what they could to keep me comfortable and happy as I could be with everything going on. By the third day my husband had asked everyone to just give us some time alone which everyone understood and abided by so we were very happy that our family and friends understood all of that and that it was really hard on us. We were still okay with our parents coming in to see us and bring us anything we wanted to eat and just check on us. For the most part besides that we got lots of texts and calls to check in and condolences and we truly did and still do appreciate all of the love and support that we got. When I was well enough to go home we spent lots of time alone and just hanging out with each other. This brought us closer together than before and we started to really think of things in the same way and really figure out what we were going to do next.
After all this we ended up going to Disney's California Adventure Chinese New Years celebration for the year of the dog. That is where this picture taken and I was making a wish for our baby boy, my husband, and our life together and moving forward. In this picture I still had a bit of a belly and my body was still going through the motions of thinking I had a baby to take care when I didn't and that was hard and I was crying in this picture. It took a long time to start to let go of the anger and pain but I have gotten to the point where I no longer burst into tears at the mention of the subject and now I do still cry but I am able to talk about it and really see it in a different perspective and I have found that I really do not appreciate when people try to put their own experiences over mine or their own pain over mine because not everyone's story is the same and it is not your place to try to make your pain more so then someone else's pain. Pain is pain and this has given me the appreciation for being empathetic and being more so understanding of the idea of pain is pain no matter what and no one's pain is better then anyone else's it is specific to that person and is part of their story just like this is part of mine. We flash forward now to 2 years later and we still have tears and cry at times when we talk about our beautiful angle but we are appreciative having him for even the small amount of time that we had him. It has been a wild ride!
We have both had to navigate our way through this situation and find our own ways of coping with everything we have felt and thought and healing on all levels from physically to mentally and emotionally! We have been trying for the last 1 1/2 years to conceive but have not year and all together it will be five years. We both still have and hold on to our hope of getting that BFP one day and maybe later on looking into adopting and giving a child a beautiful loving home, life, and family. Until we finalize our decision on that we are going to stay positive and keep TTC and get that BFP we have been waiting for, we are going to continue to always keep our sweet boy in our hearts and always remember him as our first born child. As for me I am going to keep trying to bring up the awareness of this very common situation that affects 1 in 4 women all around the world. I will continue to tell other women to advocate for themselves and keep bringing in positivity, love, and support!
Well that is all I had for this post and this is one of the most heartfelt posts that I have ever done and I see it as a win because I did not burst into tears while writing it. Thank you for coming by to read this latest post and remember that you are amazing and wonderful and any loss mamas and loss daddy's you are so amazing and strong and you are so deserving and you will always be loved and you are incredible and we are sorry for your loss and we hope that you and your sweet angles are all wonderful and loved! Thank you and till next time!