Hey there everyone! I hope you are all having a great day. I am having a hard time right now because of the Clomid as you can tell by todays title. It is round 3 this time and if it did not work then I have no clue what we are going to do next. My doctor told me that if this round did not work then I would have to go in so he could see if my tubes were blocked then depending on that make a plan from there. I really hope that it worked and we get have that BFP (big fat positive) for those of you who do not know what this means. Fingers crossed and I will let you guys know more when there is something to tell, but for now it is the waiting game. I hope that one day I get to move forward with having a baby and finally getting to have a child like we want to but for now I am just focusing on my health and work and my little family.
I do have to say though that the waiting game is really hard and before I use to over analyze every little symptom but then something just clicked and I stopped doing that unless it was something that was worrying for me like getting a rash on my legs from the pills or something. That has not happened btw just an example of the type of thing that would worry me. I do however still have a hard time with the emotional side of things and for me at least is the hardest part. I am not going to lie my emotions have been up and down this month because I am taking double the amount then that of the last two cycles and now it seems like I don't get to have the one thing that I truly want and hope for and it is so suffocating for me sometimes. I just can't help it sometimes and all I do is cry my eyes out.
Sometimes it feels so lonely for my husband and I because no one in our family really understands how it feels to struggle with pregnancy especially after you have a loss. They have situations on my side that they use to try to relate but it is so different and because of how every deals with grief differently people some times forget to think of others instead of themselves. Now, I am not saying that I am not guilty of that because I definitely am and I try not to do that and it takes constant work on my part everyday but sometimes even though I am happy for someone it is still hard and I have to just shut down and not talk to anyone so that I can get back to being myself. This is true even on the Clomid with one slight change my emotions are amplified on the Clomid and that has not been more apparent then this cycle at least for me. I am not a person who will cry or will get overly emotional but this cycle has me crying at sentimental commercials and that is crazy for me. I watched a movie and nearly started to cry when it was not sad at all.
Thank goodness that when my period comes that ends and all of that gets flushed out. I like when it gets flushed out because I start to feel like my normal self again. I mean when I don't feel like myself I end up feeling like it will never happen for us but it will one day. I just have to stay positive as much as I can anyway. I do what I can. I just hope that we will get our day to have that BFP soon. Even though this has been a hard cycle for me I to get through it will lead us to a great dream. That's funny I started to sing the cinderella song "a dream is a wish your heart makes" I think that song really applies to me right now. Well that is going to be my rant for the time being thanks for always coming back to read my posts guys. Till next time.