Hey there everyone so today I just wanted to write for the sake of just writing I have no topic just how I am feeling at the moment and that in itself I think is a great topic to write about. I have found that next to therapy writing helps me when I have my low moments. I do what I can to work through things on a daily basis but sometimes I have bad days and today sadly is one of those days. I do my best to keep it together for the sake of my loved ones and just put on a smile so that they do not have to worry about me and to be honest I know that I have done that to myself. I know that I should be talking to others but I always feel like I am complaining about the same thing to the people I talk about and I was told by someone I cared about in my past that I can be very self-absorbed and self-centered. That to my dismay has stuck with me and as a result I have become very aware of myself and how I go about things with others.
I try my best to be a better version of myself everyday and some days go a lot better than others, this I also do for myself first and foremost because if I am not good with myself then how can I be able to deal or handle the things that come up in my life on a daily basis. I often wonder why I don't feel as restless as I used to feel. I mean I use to feel like I had to leave and be far away so that I could start fresh. That is was just me wanting to run away and I know that but still it was something that I had always wanted and felt would complete my life in the past. Now, when I think of that I remember instantly that I am not restless any more because of my husband. He keeps me grounded and steady in my life. It's funny I never thought that I would find that person that was meant for me and only for me. I always had the thought that I would end up dying alone and young with how I was going. I was on a self destructive path before I straightened up and then met him after that. I never cared if what I was doing at the moment was dangerous for me or anything like that, I just wanted the thrill so that I could feel something.
Where would I be now? That was a question that used to keep me up at night but now it doesn't matter to me. Now I ask myself what do WE do next? That seems to be the biggest question in my mind now. I got some disappointing news today and to be honest I guess deep down I already knew but was hoping for the best. I have kept my emotions in check so that I can go about things in my usual happy way. I try my best to express myself even when it is uncomfortable to me and I am just plain trying to run away. I have learned that holding on to things that hurt just makes you miserable and then you start to attract that into your life and all that comes of it is the darkness consuming you when you are trying to run away from it. I do my best to be brave and stand in front of my fears and negative emotions and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose but I never give up and always get back up and face things head on. My mother says that I do that because I am stubborn and unyielding when it comes to facing problems. I guess in the end that is why I didn't die when my mom was pregnant with me since she almost lost me or didn't die when I got lead poisoning as a 2 and 1/2 year old or from getting so sick that I could barely breath as a kid and had to spend lots of time with doctors in the hospital. I guess that I have always been stubborn ever since my existence came into being because that has past through to my adult life now because I should have died on two occasions and those were when my appendix went bad and when we lost Logan our son at 17 weeks of pregnancy.
I know it sounds like I am bragging but to honest that is not what I am doing there have been many other occasions where I came out alive and unharmed but it should have been the exact opposite and to me that makes me think that there is something else that I have to do in this world. I guess my path is not up yet and there are things that I still need to accomplish. I will say that I am not the biggest believer in fate being as how I see my life as a contradiction sometimes, but I can say that I feel I make my own fate and the road that I walk for that is one of my own making. I have always thought that way ever since I was younger. If you believe in outside forces then good for you and so do I but not in the way that I feel they control my life more of in the way that they are there to help me feel less lonely and guide me when I have no other path in view. Just to lend a helping hand if you will. That has always been my way of seeing things.
I know that I kept just rambling on but to be honest I really just needed to get it out and hope that if you feel like this sometimes you come back to read my post or you will find my post and know that you are not alone and you can overcome anything that you are facing if you want to because you have the strength to do so and I believe in you. If you have made it to the end of this post then I have to say thank you and you are amazing! I hope that you enjoyed reading my post and when it comes down to it that this was able to make you feel better and know that you are not the only one. Thanks for stopping by and keeping up with me. I hope to see you again! Till next time!